a matter of the heart

There are some days in life that are beyond the ordinary. At the dawn of those days you wake to a world of endless possibilities, encounters and opportunities. Each day is fresh with a new beginning. Some days are so vibrant and full of life you can almost feel it’s pulse. Everything is awakened within you and you cannot help but be joyful. The day I met Russell was one of those days.

As I walked the streets someone called out to me. He was sitting underneath a tin roof by the side of the road. “Happy New Year” is all he said. We started talking and before you knew it I was sitting amongst him and two others. They were homeless. I was on my way to the beach but these people caught my attention and I wanted to spend some time with them. I was meant to be there. There I was on New Years day sitting with Russell, a man in his late forties whose face and body told the tales of his life. A smile filled his face but his eyes held a sadness he was hiding. I sat there with him for two hours. I was sitting with garbage all around me on the side of the street, but before me was a treasure beyond worth. Every thing within me came alive as Russell began to open up and share with me his life story. Tears filled his eyes as he told of a life of wealth and family. He pointed to the tattoo on his arm that kept the names of his children with him, the children he hadn’t seen in 10 years. He told of a life of joy and a life of pain. He knew both, very well. We talked about what they meant to us and how we had experienced both in our lives. I told him how when I met Jesus, and I mean truly met Him, I saw the pain I have had in my life through His eyes. You know what I saw? I saw someone hurting more than me; Jesus’ heart broke for me in my pain. That’s how I really met Him. What came after was immense joy, a joy that you cannot explain or give reason for its existence. Russell said he saw that. He knew Jesus; at least he talked about Him like he was familiar with Him. That day I laughed with him, cried with him and prayed with him. I felt his heartache that day, but I also felt the heart of Jesus for Him, the heart that will not relent in its pursuit of Russell. I think God will keep sending people Russell’s way to sit with him on the side of the road and enjoy his presence, the nomad of the streets.

Those days are beautiful. They are full of life and brimming with hope and wonder. But, not all days are like that. There are those days when you are carrying a burden you think you cannot bear.  Things weigh heavy on you heart and challenge it’s strength. Will it break; will it crumble beneath the weight? Sometimes it feels like it might. Those are the days that I reach for a strength that is beyond me. Those are the days I call out to the one who can, and does have the strength. The day I met Greg was one of those days.

One night while serving pancakes in the park I was struggling with being there. I struggled with meeting people over and over talking about life and eventually about Jesus and seeing it go nowhere. I was tired of meeting people over and over again like Russell and feeling like there was nothing I could do for them. I kind of gave up for the night and went to just serve pancakes. Easy enough, right? Wrong. I invited a man and his wife to come grab some pancakes. Right away I could tell they were from the states and somewhere south. Both were a bit drunk. The guy looks at me stunned and said “now why would you be out here giving away free pancakes?”. And before I knew it I replied with “Because of Jesus.”. Now, I am rarely that straight forward and I was a bit taken aback by my response. He starts talking about Christianity and asking questions, challenging different things about it. I just listened. He began to ask me what it was that I believed and I told him. Slowly he started to refer to different things in the bible. I was surprised. I asked him how he knew all that he was talking about. He then told me that he had been a Christian for 20 some years. He said in the past few years he had turned away from God.

As our conversation moved on I could see his demeanor change. He was no longer the dismissive uncaring man I first met. There he was before me revealing the things that weighed heavy on his heart, burdened and hurting.
“It’s funny how a few free pancakes and you talking with me can make me open up about something I don’t talk about with anyone.”

He told me his story of regret and broken relationship. His brother had taken advantage of him by taking some money. There relationship was broken. Not too long after this his brother died of cancer. Now, he lives with the regret of that broken relationship with no hope of reconciling it. He said he has never been able to forgive himself. I didn’t know what to say, what could I say? Nothing. Nothing that I could say would mend his heart or would bring the reconciliation he needed. I had nothing to give. I think that is the best place to be in, where you come to the end of yourself and discover that there is someone far more powerful than you at work and in that you find rest. Through the brief time when our lives crossed paths I was able to see into his heart, but more importantly I was able to feel God’s heart for him in his heartache. That is what I was meant to do for him, give him the perspective of the Father that was calling his son back home.

Something I am learning is how to go through the highs and the lows, how to be fully present in every situation and content in all things. I think the most important thing I am learning is how to open my heart to God’s and be willing to be moved and stirred by His emotions. After all, Jesus experienced the greatest joy and the deepest pain. Imagine how He felt when heaven parted and the dove descended upon Him after He was baptized and God the Father declared, “This is my son in whom I am well pleased". How did he feel as he hung upon the cross before the crowd that mocked Him, the very crowd that He was giving His life for to set them free from sin for eternity? I felt alive sitting amidst that garbage with Russell, and sharing a pancake with Greg because my heart was awakened to the heartbeat of the Creator for these people. That is living. This is what I desire in this life: to be one with the creator and to experience His heart for His people. I am not there yet, but I have a lifetime ahead of me.